What is ‘sexiety’ and do I have it?

‘Sexiety’ is a term you might not have heard before, but that’s not to say you haven’t experienced it. 

Feeling a little nervous before you have sex with a new person, or before trying something different with your partner, is totally normal. Sexiety, officially known as sexual performance anxiety, is when these nerves get so out of control that it inhibits your ability to enjoy sex. 

In order to find out what the symptoms are, as well as how to ease them, we spoke to award-winning sexologist and sexual health and wellness expert, Chantelle Otten. 

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What is sexual performance anxiety?

“It’s something that affects both men and women and can cause individual difficulty in experiencing a wholesome sex life”, Chantelle says. 

A little bit of nervous excitement before sex can make it all the more arousing, but if your nerves veer away from butterflies into a more negative direction, it could be cause for concern. “It usually manifests when one begins to wonder if they will be able to perform sexually and perceive that there will be negative consequences if not, causing a loss of self respect and fear over how others, such as their sexual partner, will view them.” 

“Other problems that can contribute include poor body image, relationship concerns, worried about penis size and structure, worried about the way the vulva looks, ejaculation concerns, or taking too long (or not being able to) achieve orgasm”. 

Is sexual performance anxiety common?

If this sounds all too similar to your own experience, you’re not alone. 

“There are no statistics on the amount, but it is a common phenomenon. We can all feel nervous at times about sexuality, but if it persists and starts impacting sexual function, performance and then lead to avoidance or minimising ourselves sexually, then this is something that needs to be worked with”. 

Sexual anxiety symptoms are usually more obvious for men — “I believe for men it’s often harder because we can see their sexual anxiety because it often affects their functioning,” says Chantelle.

“Their penis may become shy and that can become a chronic erectile dysfunction concern. All men will lose an erection in their lifetime, and it might be because of nothing, but as soon as they start thinking that they are a failure, then the PA  [performance anxiety] kicks in.” 

Sexual anxiety symptoms in women

There are quite a few ways sexiety could be impacting your sex life. “It can take you out of the right mindset for sex, can take away the desire to make love, can impact the way you interpret your partners bid for connection, touch, sexual advancements. And can also impact the levels of lubrication that women experience,” says Chantelle.

An irony in this situation is the more stressed you become about your sexual performance anxiety, the harder it becomes to relax and overcome it.  “When you are focussed on being able to perform, it's difficult to be ‘present’ in bed, difficult to surrender, and even more so, find pleasure in the experience. It may lead to difficulties having an orgasm, or other troubling cycles. A woman may feel so anxious about sex that she can’t perform, which again leads to more performance anxiety.”

If you aren’t present during sex, and instead are thinking about all the ways you could be underperforming, this takes you out of the moment and makes it even more difficult to get turned on. “Your state of mind during a sexual interaction can have a large impact on your ability to get aroused. Even if you are with someone you find sexually appealing, you may become so worried about pleasing your partner, that it becomes impossible for you to do so.”

Common causes of sexual performance anxiety

Your emotions play a big part in the way you experience everything in life, and sex is no exception. 

“Your emotions have so much to do with sex, and anxiety manifests in the brain. Many people start thinking ‘what if it goes wrong’ instead of ‘what if I can try this position that makes me comfortable’. When your mind is too stressed out to focus on pleasure, your body starts to withdraw too.”

Based on the clients Chantelle has seen suffering from sexual performance anxiety, these are the most common causes:

• Fears about how the body looks and is functioning

• The fear of not being able to perform well and please your partner

• Relationship concerns. “It's hard to connect when stormy things are happening outside the bedroom.”

• Concerns about genitals and how they look or measure up

• Worries about finishing too early, taking too long or not being able to reach climax

Tips for overcoming sexual performance anxiety

Chantelle’s tips for easing your sexual performance anxiety may include speaking to a professional, but there are also some things you can try first if you aren’t ready to get a third party involved:

• Figure out if any biological reasons are impacting your functioning. Speaking to a sexologist or a well trained GP is a good idea

• Sexual anxiety is in the brain, so a sexologist will be able to help with the therapeutic aspects of that

• Be open with your sexual partner and let them guide you through the anxiety and try to reach solutions together. Try to say ‘yes I’ll try with you’ rather than avoiding the issue altogether

• Be erotic in other ways. Try mutually masturbating each other, showering together, a massage with a happy ending, or stroke each others bodies. You don’t always have to aim for penetration.

Tips for relaxing during sex

It turns out while being super attracted to your partner is a plus, if you wish to be at your most relaxed (and ready to orgasm) you have to be able to turn yourself on too. Chantelle says “Learn how to turn yourself on first. And do some work around sexual self-esteem.” Chantelle has designed an online course called ‘The Sexual Self Esteem Guide’ that can help with finding your inner sexual empowerment.

A tool you may not have considered taking into the bedroom? Spotify. Chantelle says “Put on a sex playlist while you make love to take your mind off your worries and more into the rhythm.”

Chantelle’s last tip might be the toughest to implement: be a little easier on yourself.  “Be kind to yourself! It’s common to have sexual performance anxieties at stages. But work on it and don’t waste time feeling miserable. You are the one who can change things.”

How to feel more confident about your body during sex

When you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin it can make being relaxed during sex seem impossible, but Chantelle believes it is a crucial aspect of enjoying sex. “We know body image can be swayed by several factors, such as background, culture, the media, and interactions with family and friends. Optimal sexuality relies on being able to feel present and embodied. However, many of us are quite critical and have high expectations of what we should look like, and what is beautiful. To allow someone else to take delight in your body, you must be able to take delight in it yourself. This requires taking action to find peace.”

Undoing years of social conditioning that our bodies aren’t good enough is no easy feat. “Disliking your body is something you learn, you are not born with that trait. And that also means it is something you can unlearn. We need to start utilising self-compassion. I recommend getting therapeutic help for this. I talk a lot about it in my online course. It can take time, but it requires effort. This is a long process that could take years, but it’s worth putting in time and effort.” 

How to ask for what you want in the bedroom

Being upfront about what you want in the bedroom can be daunting, but Chantelle has a couple of simple tips: “Write it down first and then bring those answers to your partner. Or practice talking about it in front of a mirror, or with a friend first. Knowing what you would like to be done is key, and communicating that is super important.”

You can follow Chantelle on instagram @chantelle_otten_sexologist and read more about her work on her website chantelleotten.com.  

Do you have any tips for relaxing during sex?